the scoop on Coop

Rebrand Sam Edits-03

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A mention I made in my stories today made me remem

Three years ago today I read these words to Brando

Three years ago today I read these words to Brandon during our wedding vows:

“I want to take a moment and share a quote, one that I understand more and more as each year with you passes:

‘There will be dozens of people who will take your breath away…but the one who reminds you to breathe is the one you should keep.’

Before you, I chased that breathless feeling, time and time again. But I never remembered to breathe while doing so — and no one ever reminded me to, until you.”

……………………………………………………………..

Those words are as true today as they were that day. Just a few days ago, Brandon held me in our kitchen as I struggled for breath due to anxiety and overwhelm. “Just breathe,” he said. And I matched my breaths — in and out, in and out — to his until I felt calm again.

There was a point in life where that leave-you-breathless feeling was all I chased. The fact that our relationship has never fallen into that category has thrown me off in the past because I’d been conditioned to think that was what a relationship should always be.

But then I discovered what it’s like to breathe in a relationship — to have full trust in another human to hold you at your worst and accept you as all that you are.

And I will take breathing over breathless, time and time again.

Here’s to year four, babe.

His beauty stops me in my tracks sometimes. #Dea

His beauty stops me in my tracks sometimes.

#Deaf #hearingloss #asl #signlanguage #cochlearimplants #deafkidsrock

This is an example of the fact that even though I

This is an example of the fact that even though I immerse myself in learning about Cooper’s world, there are still things that don’t occur to me because I am not deaf.

This photo is real, messy me in our living room last night because Cooper. Never. Stops. Talking.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled that he loves language, both spoken and sign. I wholly remember when all I wanted was to hear his voice and see him communicate.

And damn, he has found that voice. He never says anything once. He says it over. And over. And over. Even if I respond, he continues saying it. He said “mama” 19 times in two minutes last night even though I replied the first time.

I know it’s a toddler thing to an extent. But I want to teach him the give and take of a conversation. I posted in a cochlear implant group I’m in and someone made a point I hadn’t considered: for kids like Cooper (or anyone with listening devices) it’s easier to be the one talking. It’s less stressful to be in control of the conversation. It requires less effort and work.

And when I read that, I stopped in my tracks. It makes so much sense. And it just goes to show that there are things I will never fully grasp, things I have to learn as we go. I’m grateful for a community that teaches me those things and shows never ending support and grace.

So today, I’m going to find joy in hearing mama 19 times in two minutes.

#Deaf #hearingloss #asl #signlanguage #cochlearimplants #deafkidsrock

My heart is full. Saturday marked 9 years of sob

My heart is full.

Saturday marked 9 years of sobriety and for the first time, I just didn’t really have much to say about it. So I didn’t. But as I watched Cooper play on my parents porch that day, I couldn’t help but think back to myself on the same porch 9 years prior, hella hungover, downing popsicles and being convinced I’d be drinking again soon.

But watching that little boy, I’m so glad that never happened. He gets to know a mom who is present and healthy and happy. So I snuggled him and took a photo right on that porch. And that’s all there really is to say this year.

Other highlights: the littlest Leipholtz had her junior prom (swipe to see how amazing she looked), Coop got to experience the magic of Peppermint Twist, all 5 siblings were together for Mother’s Day. ❤️

I’m typing this sitting on my couch, surrounded

I’m typing this sitting on my couch, surrounded by our beautiful land, the sun shining, having just come down from a completely unprovoked panic attack.

Yesterday, after a foul ball nearly knocked Cooper out, I told my mom that I always feel like I’m on borrowed time with him, like I’m one choice away from losing him. I asked her if that was just being a parent, or if that was being an anxious parent. She said it’s being a parent, but then I gently reminded her that she, too, has struggled with anxiety. “Oh,” she said. “That’s true.”

Healthy worry about your child is one thing. Constantly coming up with every scenario where something can go wrong is another.

A tap of the brakes. An acceleration. A left. A right. Forgetting something at home. Leaving earlier than planned. Every decision changes your life even if you don’t know it.

And let me tell you, it’s fucking draining when you’re the type of person that does know it.

I want to be in the here, the now. I know the books to read, the words to say, the expressions to make, the people to talk to. But I’m also just sick of toxic positivity and being told it’s a matter of mindset.

It’s not. It’s brain chemistry. And even with medication, it’s always there.

So if you’re struggling, I see you. Be where you are. Don’t let people make you feel like the way you see the world is wrong. Its NOT all rainbows and butterflies. It’s not. And as much as we need the people who see the world that way, we also need the people who see its cracks and weak points and fragility.

(Also I’m freaking pissed about old white men trying to determine what women can do with their bodies so that may be coming through a tad here).